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Post by WineUdotKing on Mar 25, 2004 14:04:33 GMT -5
Dinner Conversation Gone Wrong
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)." HUSBAND: (makes audible groan). WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?" HUSBAND: "I guess so." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: - - - silence - - - HUSBAND: "$HIT."
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Post by wildatheart on Mar 27, 2004 21:03:47 GMT -5
no aint heard none lately besides no ones here to listen
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Post by WANNABEARIGHTIE on Apr 1, 2004 12:12:12 GMT -5
wild@heart was late to work the other day, because, she spent 20 minutes looking at a orange juice can because it said "concentrate"!
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Post by PBAHoFer on Apr 3, 2004 11:32:52 GMT -5
Subject: pweor of the hmuan mnid
The paomnnehil pweor of the hmuan mnid.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Pterty amzanig huh?
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Post by PBAHoFer on Apr 3, 2004 11:33:54 GMT -5
By the way Purrfect, the previous post contains word purposely misspelled.
<lol>
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Post by wildatheart on Apr 3, 2004 11:50:21 GMT -5
that is really cool !!!!!
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bowlme900
Senior Member
I was married by a judge, I should have asked for a jury.
Posts: 413
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Post by bowlme900 on Apr 7, 2004 6:09:47 GMT -5
Subject: about worms Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in soil - alive. So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment." Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
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Post by WineUdotKing on Apr 8, 2004 7:41:28 GMT -5
Louisiana Law
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.
The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Post by WineUdotKing on Apr 8, 2004 7:57:29 GMT -5
Mattel announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Houston area market: River Oaks Barbie:
This princess Barbie is only sold at The Galleria. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck, breast implants and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version of Barbie.
Kingwood or Katy Barbie:
This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.
5th Ward Barbie:
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop. Then we don't know what you're talking about.
Woodlands Barbie:
This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit cards and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. But you can't afford them anyway.
Pasadena Barbie:
This model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of a Tweety bird on her shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-haired Kenny doll's butt when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get its Confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free.
Inner Loop/West University Barbie:
This rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print beach outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while she entertains friends at her beach house in Galveston . This doll comes with an added bonus Nanny Skipper Doll for taking care of Barbie's invisible children whom she hardly knows. Percocet and Xanax prescription bottles also available.
Memorial Barbie:
This Barbie comes complete with a Suburban. Her highlighted hair is shoulder length and she wears khaki pants and a matching sweater set. Your choice of Golden Retriever or Labrador dog. Ken doll is unavailable due to his being perpetually "at the office" or "on a business trip". Other available accessories include: Tennis outfit and tennis racket, Harold Powell charge card, Prozac Prescription Bottle and the related Private Investigator Barbie (for checking up on Ken).
Montrose Barbie:
This doll is made of actual tofu, has long gray hair and archless feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. She prefers that you call her "Willow."
Beaumont Barbie:
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased her beer-gutted boyfriend out of Skipper's house. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and a rusty old Ford pick up.
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Post by XBOM on Apr 8, 2004 9:13:50 GMT -5
I was looking for the Baytown Barbie who comes with her own nomex uniform and a biweekly paycheck from EXXON
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Post by XBOM on Apr 11, 2004 10:15:54 GMT -5
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that >they are in love. >One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to >Jenny's father to >ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. >Smith, me and >Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." > >Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well >Johnny, you are only >10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think >about it, Johnny >replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit >there nicely." > > Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, >"Okay then how >will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to >support Jenny." Again, >Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week >and I make 10 >bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just >fine." > >! By th is time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so >much thought into >this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that >Johnny won't >have an answer to. > > After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have >got everything >all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you >do if the two of >you should have little ones of your own?" > > Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says > "Well, we've been lucky so far..." > > Mr. Smith fainted
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Post by lucky on Apr 12, 2004 7:36:29 GMT -5
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them before they could enter Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder....
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
"Then," the blonde continued, "now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted...
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Post by XBOM on Apr 13, 2004 11:42:19 GMT -5
3 men are in a bar in Mexico 1 Mexican 1 Iranian and 1 American
The mexican finishes his beer and throws the glass in the air pulls out his 6 shooter and shoots the glass out of the air. He say's here in Mexico it's so cheap to make glass we never use the same one twice.
The Iranian finishes his beer throws his glass in the air pulls out an AK 47 shoots the glass out of the air and say's this. In Iran there is so much sand glass is cheap to make also.
The American then finishes his beer pulls out a 9mm and shoots the Mexican and the Iranian...
The he said in America there are so many Mexicans and Iranians we never have to drink with the same ones twice...
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Post by DemonLegend on Apr 13, 2004 12:56:33 GMT -5
The BOMVENTURE was a SUCCESS ;D ;D
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Post by XBOM on Apr 13, 2004 13:05:15 GMT -5
The BOMVENTURE was a SUCCESS ;D ;D If only you really knew
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